The "that says more about you than it does about me" myth: let's bury it now

Feeling fragile?

How to write this without sounding arrogant, defensive, or sanctimonious?

"That says more about you than it does about me". The stuff of a million Facebook or Twitter posters, this is a statement that's become increasingly popular over recent years. It's used regularly in every day speech, to the extent that it's becoming a cliché.

Perhaps its popularity has increased in tandem with internet use. Easy to remember, convenient and self-serving, it has everything a good statement should have.

Like a stock reply used by a comedian to a heckle, it's designed to shut you up and put you in your place (albeit without any humour). It gives people a feeling of power and is a convenient form of self-absolution. It's easy to fire it out and kid yourself you're being profound to boot.



Did he really say this?
While I'm not immune to inspirational
quotes and spiritual affirmations
 – I have a folder full of them on my hard drive –
I think my enthusiasm for them is waning.

It sounds profound because it's a variation on and vast over-simplification and bastardisation of what Viktor Frankl says in Man's Search for Meaning.

I should confess I have not read this book, although I am aware that it's an account of the author's experiences in Auschwitz during World War II. As such, it's a highly-influential landmark of world literature that has profound insights into the human condition, and remains a powerful inspiration to people of all faiths around the world.

I mention this because not only did someone say "That says more about you than me" in an argument recently, but he also paraphrased Viktor Frankl (a direct quote apparently not forthcoming this time).

I was staggered – speechless, in fact – that he felt my words worthy of being counteracted by such profundity. Had he actually read the book? I doubted it. Then again, perhaps he had – in which case all the more reason to show it respect and not use it to score cheap points in an argument. Whatever Frankl's intention when he wrote the book, I don't think he would have wanted his words to be misused to silence critics and hecklers. I imagine part of his intent was to set up a dialogue with humanity, to reconcile and heal, not shut communication down.

Likewise, I can only speculate on my acquaintance's motivation for mentioning Viktor Frankl in the first place. From what I can infer, what he meant was that while you can't control what happens to you in life, you can control your response to it. It is my responsibility to decide how I respond to the things other people say and do. That is entirely within my power.

This is true, and is rooted in spiritual truth, I wouldn't wish to deny it. But, like people, language is complicated and problematic. Some words need more careful consideration than others, as they can be used, misused and abused.

Anyone going through life-threatening and degrading experiences may find inspiration in such a thought. As Marcus Aurelius is supposed to have said, an individual may find great strength in it. It can help the human spirit overcome and endure.

But it depends on who's saying it to whom, and why. Saying it to myself or a significant other during a time of great hardship is one thing (although I'd still be wary as it can so easily sound glib and undermine genuine grievances). But it's very different if the person who's inflicting the suffering says it to their victims – Nazi guards to Auschwitz inmates, for example. To say it to another as a means of silencing them doesn't seem to me to be its best use.

It can be used for all kinds of wrong-doing because it treads a very fine line between inspiration and justification for abuse. In the wrong hands, these words can be used by bullies and psychopaths to perpetuate their actions.

"That says more about you than me", too, is always used as if it's an absolute, universal truth, applicable at all times and in all situations. It is never questioned. But if it is absolute, then I have no desire to live my life in that spirit. It's something I'd never say to my husband, or anyone close to me.

Because if it is my problem too, I want to know about it. What I said the other night may well have said quite a lot about me. And at the time I owned, acknowledged and apologised for it.

Although I did consider it ironic that in being told to control my own responses, this phrase was also uttered without any means of self-control.

A knee-jerk, glib defence mechanism, it contains enough power and force to stop you dead. But that power is lost pretty quickly. It has the illusion of profundity, but is actually meaningless.

Because as soon as it is said the opposite is true. By saying "That says more about you than it does about me", you are also saying quite a lot about yourself, too.

You're saying you're not interested in engaging with me, that you don't value dialogue, that you want to shut the dialogue down.

You're saying you want to stop dealing with an issue that obviously means something to us both. But instead of just saying that, you want to avoid the issue by reflecting it back with the intention to hurt and wound.

You're saying you've taken it every bit as personally as I have, and are using this phrase in an act of self defence that borders on aggression.

Saying "that says more about you than it does about me" is a destructive act that closes down communication completely. No one ever says, "That says more about you than it does me" when you've said something nice. No one ever says, "Oh, what a lovely thing to say, that reflects so well on you as a person."

"That says more about you than it does me" is always said in response to something one doesn't like, or disagrees with. It is always intended as an insult – which also seems to undermine its spiritual origins. It's amazing how something that's meant to be so profound can also seem so cheap.

In this instance, my intention wasn't to hurt, although I can see how it came across as that. What I said was an expression of frustration and exasperation – the result of almost 20 years' exhaustion, in fact. I know I expressed myself clumsily.

And clearly, some of it is about me, I fully admit it. Responsibility, however, has to be shared. If you're going to re-acquaint me with "that says more about you than it does about me"'s evil twin, then this must be so.

That other chestnut that's gained recent popularity – "It's not all about you" – was also uttered to me the other night. Are you saying you want to make it about you, then? Because just now you were saying it was more about me.

If I were a petulant child, my emotional intelligence unevolved beyond teenage, I'd reflect it back on you and say that yes, this one's totally on you. But I'm better than that.

I'm saying, let's talk about this. Please.